Let Shimal Thakrar's resume speak for itself.
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Shimal Thakrar pretends to be a SC qualified Programme Management Consultant with circa 10 years experience in consulting TYRE businesses on end to end ICT solutions ensuring that competitive organisations achieve the global benefit to operate in FUCKED UP environments like India and China.
Using recognised Programme/Project methodologies such as Prince, Prince 2 and THE ARTIST FORMERLY KNOWN AS PRINCE in which he is qualified, Shimal has regularly TAKEN DUMPS on CxO level representatives within multiple industry lines, transforming their visions into QUANTIFIABLE ORGANISATIONAL POOP.
A dedicated, PASSIONATE LOVER and professional consultant, Shimal (a frequent business traveller; YET CANNOT SPELL TRAVELER), has consulted multi-national companies WHO HAVE reported him to the COPS AS A NUTCASE. Shimal's recognistion for cultural diversity and introducing PUPPY and KITTY meat in the U.K. is certainly not a cliché, "Think Global, FUCK THE LOCALS! "
Shimal's approach to transformational leadership has enabled him collect all the TRANSFORMERS TOYS released to date, to position himself uniquely in the market to allow organisations to entertain themselves by his PINK PANTHER PANTIES and harness the power of his PERFECT SPHERICAL BALLS to calibrate their scientific equipment.
Of late Shimal has been FARTING DURING SEX and he's the key supplier of FARTS to industry leaders on ICT offshoring to emerging markets such as India, China and the COMPLETELY FUCKED UP Eastern European Block.
Key Skills:
Offshoring; Nearshoring, Farshoring, Lowshoring, Highshoring, Northshoring, Southshoring, Eastshoring, Westshoring, Shoreshoring. PRETTY MUCH EVERYTHING WITH THE SUFFIX "SHORING".
Lobal Sourcing for EARMUFFS.
Business Development for ETARDS.
Business Consultancy for PIMPS.
P&L Management (PUSSY LICKING MANAGEMENT).
Bid Management "Deal to Delivery" ON EBAY.
Transistion Management (GETTING MIDWIVES WHEN THE BOSS' WIFE CAN'T HAVE SEX) I CAN'T SPELL TRANSITION. SUE ME!
Business Case Development (I CAN EVEN DECORATE THE CASE).
Contract Negociations and Management (YET I CAN'T SPELL NEGOTIATIONS).
Commericial Optimisation (I ALSO CAN'T SPELL COMMERCIAL).
CxO Level Engagements THE C IS THE BOSS, THE O IS THE BOSS' CONCUBINE AND THE x IS MY LITTLE PENIS.
Industries:
Finance (SOME PLACES SELL MONEY CHEAPER THAN OTHERS), Telecommunications (HELLO), Automotive (LOOK MA, NO HANDS!), Utilities (TOILETS FLUSH HERE!), Insurance (MY PENIS IS INSURED), Public Sector (HOOKERS).
Languages:
Portugese (PUNHETEIRO), Hindi (TERI MA KI CHOOT ME HATHI KA DUM), Gujarati (TERI MA BIJIT MAZUMDER'S KA LOLLI CHATTE CHE) (currently learning Mandarin MAKES IT EASY TO ORDER GENERAL TAO'S ROASTED PUPPYS).
Specialties:
Offshoring Programmes (ME CHINAMAN. GOOD AT MATH. COME TO WOK ON A RICKETY CYCLE.), Programme Management Consultancy (ASK JEEVES), Transistion Management (PMS CITY. YES I STILL CAN'T FUCKING SPELL TRANSITION!), Due Dilligence (I CAN'T SPELL IF MY PATHETIC LIFE DEPENDED ON IT!), Data Centre Consolidation (YOU KNOW WHEN TWO DATA CENTERS MEET, SHIT HAPPENS!), Data Migration (NEED BUSFARE?), Performance Management (DO IT! DO IT!), Cross-Border Rollouts (STOP MY STARVING FAMILY IN INDIA FROM COMING OVER), Near Shoring (WHAT ABOUT ALL THE OTHER SHORINGS?), PMO Setups and Promotion (WTF?), Business Intelligence Reporting (WOW! WHY STOP THERE? WHY NOT INCLUDE THE FACT THAT YOU GOT MAD SKILLS AT MAKING ARTIFICAL HEART VALVES?), Cost Optimisation (YOU STINGY BASTARD!), Process Re-Engineering (THIRD TIME'S THE CHARM EH?), ICT Standardisation (DO YOU EVEN KNOW WTF YOU ARE TALKING ABOUT?), BCM (WHAT?), Contract Negociations (FOR FUCK'S SAKE! LEARN TO WRITE ENGLISH YOU DUMB FUCK. also don't try fuck's sake... nasty shit), Business Coaching (HAHA).
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