Dear Mr Doritos,
My sister and I were in Asda, minding our own business when we saw that the jars of dips and doritios chips were on offer. Now usually I wouldn't splash the cash on such a big brand and would just go for Smartprice or something, but since it was pretty much the same price we decided to risk it. What a mistake!
And so we move on to two days later. I was watching coronation street, enthralled in the John Stape storyline, when my sister asked if I'd like to stay in and watch a movie tonight. Now usually we go out to the cinema on a Thursday, and I was looking forward to watching Predators, but since we had the salsa and tortilla chips we decided to throw caution to the wind and make a night of it. Now all day I was looking forward to these tortillas and dips, having been on a very restrictive diet for almost three months, and having reached my target weight of 11st, I was really looking forward to my first treat.
And now the sorry pinacle of our tale. We'd just whacked Anastasia in the VHS player (A childhood favourite), made the tea, and of course settled down with our salsa and tortilla chips on a tray. And this is when the trouble all began. My sister naively opened the tortillas first. Fatal error. She had just assumed she would have been able to open the salsa in a matter of seconds. She could not have been more wrong. Not only did she fail to open the jar in a matter of seconds, but nor could I, or my bodybuilder brother, who came second in the strongest man in South Shields contest. We tried. We tried hard. We tried even harder. As it was apparent our brute strength was not going to succeed in removing the jar lid, we took to the world wide web for some tips on opening jars. We attempted using a tea towel, and swimming cap to hold the jar in place while we twisted the stubborn lid. We took to dousing it in oil, butter, warm water and mayonnaise. We tried heating it up, we tried refridgerating it, we even went to the length of borrowing my sister in law's JML jar opener. All to no avail. Now we'd spent a good hour and a half trying to free the salsa from the lid's wicked clutches. Now you're probably wondering why we didn't just buy some more salsa. Well I'll tell you why. It was 2am in the morning, and everywhere was closed. Well Asda was still open, but we don't drive, and the risk of being raped was far too big to chance for a jar of salsa.
It was when my sister suggested a Richard Hillman style manouver with a crowbar, I knew things had gone too far. The worst is yet to come. After abandoning all hope of consuming the salsa, we took to the tortilla chips. Only to realise that in our folly, they'd gone soft. SOFT. So now we had no snacks, and the fuse in our VHS player had blown as we'd had it on too long and it'd overheated. So no movie, and no snacks. I hope you're pleased with yourself Mr Dorito, I really hope you are.
There is no need to have the lids on jars that tight. What do you have to prove? I only wanted to have some salsa with my tortillas, not improve my upper body strength.
I would be greatly pleased if you could reimburse the price of the salsa, if not the VHS player. I would also like a handwritten apology from you, and I mean you Mr Doritio, not Sally from customer services.
x
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